my life before my eyes
by emmadot
Summary: james life aka lily flashes before his eyes
1. prologue

Everyone says the moment before you die your life flashes before your eyes but for me, all I saw was lily. But looking back, lily was my life. Ever since I was thirteen years old. But, no one really has a life before they were thirteen years old. Or is it no one has a life before they meet the love of their life?


	2. that flash of red

First it was that flash of red, then the sea of green that you drown in at first touch. Everyday I would drown, so many times it was a wonder how I survived this long. But that first day. The rosiness of her cheeks, the special sparkle in her eye, brilliant scarlet of her hair. It took my breath away. If I had got close enough from behind the bush I was hiding behind watching her I might have been able to smell her scent, the same scent that two and a half years later, in sixth year I smelt in potions.

That day was the day my whole world opened up. The day I knew who I was. The day I knew I would marry lily Evans.


	3. shower of curses

Next it was the shower of curses she would send hurling through the air at me. Nearly every time I would make a pass, meaning everyday. I couldn't help it. I was drawn in like a bee to the honey. And while honey is sweet, bees have stings, and I think I probably hurt her as much as she hurt me. I tricked myself every day into thinking she had changed her mind, that he saw a glint of something other than anger. As he was gradually losing hope over the years, he dreamed at least that would she him as something more than a bad childhood memory.


	4. change

It wasn't until 6th year that I saw any change. I think it was the same day I smelled that amortenia potion. I think maybe she might have smelled a bit of me. I know for sure now that she did but then I was just an arrogant little boy in love. I really started to get my hopes up when I heard her and her best friend Marlene talking while doing their late night patrols. I was under the invisibility cloak on my way to the kitchens when I heard them. I felt compelled to eavesdrop when I heard my name. My _first _name spoken in amongst their conversation.

That was when I truly realised my flaw. She didn't know how she felt about me: pro-I had been so arrogant and player over the years she couldn't trust me: big con


	5. damage control

Over the summer holidays before seventh year I was planning on doing some damage control. It wasn't until my father was killed in an accident at the ministry that my mind went to other matters. I didn't forget about Lily, she was just pushed to the back of my mind. I forgot about damage control. My primary focus was to cover up the hole my father had left. This made me fall out of my normal routine of asking Lily Evans out every chance I got. I know she noticed because she stopped giving me looks of contempt whenever I passed. Instead her glances were more… pensive? Longing? We were both heads that year therefore sharing a common room and sleeping quarters and one day on my way back to the library, walking in my numb state; I entered through the passage that led to the common room. She was standing there, tears streaming down her face with a letter clutched tightly in her left hand. In her other hand was her locket which she wore all the time that was given to her by her parents for her 11th birthday. It was hanging loosely in her trembling fingers.

"Gone. They're gone" she mouthed but I understood every word, every emotion, and every knife that was piercing her heart.

I rushed to her and caught her just before her slight body hit the floor. We sat there for an immeasurable amount of time in a heap on the common room floor, comforting each other. I let myself cry for the first time. I pulled her face up to look me in the eye.

"Listen to me Lily. I can't live without you." I caressed her cheek, and between raining kisses on her face and neck I whispered, "Please, just stay with me, just stick with me, I'll take care of you"

She nodded and took my face between her palms. Our first kiss was warm and passionate. She arched her back and threw her head back and my lips found their way to her neck. I didn't need to ask once. The way she was responding to me was a sign that she wanted and needed this as much as me. Our first time was the one of the best moment of my life. And afterwards, as we lay entangled on the floor and she breathed those three words, my numbness lifted for good and Lily was back at the front of my mind; the death of my father a distant nightmare. I know she felt the same way when I said "I love you" too.


	6. losing my life

The next memory was the time I nearly _lost _my life. She was on the top of the astronomy tower, holding onto the pillar, standing on the ledge. I came up behind her still about a metre away.

"Lily what are you doing?" I asked, my voice quivering slightly. I had to remain calm. He whit night dress was skimpy and she had goose bumps all along her legs from the night chill. Her white dressing gown waved and billowed like angle wings, caressing the night sky.

"I was just thinking what it would be like to die," she replied from a distance far away. My heart faltered. "Where do you think you go?"

"I…I don't know. Perhaps where you feel the happiest" I said having no idea what I was talking about, keeping my eye on her feet, making sure they don't slip.

"Where do you think you'll go?" she asked, removing one hand from the column.

I took a tentative step toward her, now close enough to grab her if she fell. "Lily, I'm already there. Everyday with you" I whispered.

She turned her head to look at me, her face completely calm. She looked so beautiful it took my breath away. "Please don't cry for me James" she murmured reaching out a soft hand to stroke my cheek. I hadn't realised the steady flow of tears until now.

"Come back to me Lil" I mouthed.

She nodded and my heart leapt in relief. It all happened very quickly then, as if in a dream-no a terrifying nightmare. She took one foot off the ledge and the other one slipped. She fell for a fraction of a second, her white robe flying around her. My hand snapped out and found hers at the last minute. I heard her scream piece my soul. Her panic stricken face seared into my memory for ever.

I pulled with all my strength and heaved her up onto the ledge. She tumbled over on top of me, clutching my shirt for dear life. I could feel her heart pounding frantically and her tears stained my shoulder.

"Forgive me James, forgive me…never…never again James…I love you"

"Why Lily, why? Why?" I choked trying to hold back the sobs that were threatening to overwhelm me.

It turns out it was Snape. Corned and tried something on my Lily. He would pay later. I saved his life. He cant take mine.


	7. the night i proposed

Next was the night I proposed to her. We were still at Hogwarts. It was the last day of school in seventh year, our last day as Hogwarts students. The emotions amongst the fellow seventh years were reminiscent, sombre.

I saw on the marauders map that Lily was up on the astronomy tower. I had been thinking a lot lately and I decided that I dint want to ever part from her. I got my mother to send my grandmothers engagement ring. It was tiffany cut, 4 carats on a gold band. Now was as good a time as any so I gathered up all the remaining Gryffindor courage I had left and I marched up to the tallest tower in Hogwarts where the sunset was making the sky a brilliant red and pink and purple. Lily was sitting a fair distance away from the edge. She never goes within 5 feet of the railing these days.

I shuffled my feet to warn her of my advance and sat down next to her.

"James, what am I going to do? I'm a mudblood, I'm not going to last a day out there." Lily said softly, gazing out across the beautiful grounds.

"I'll protect you Lily-Flower" I said with a smile in my voice

She laughed and I laughed along with her. That was the nickname me and Sirius invented for her in first year and she got so angry she made a bookshelf in the library fall on top of us. We were in the hospital wing for a week. We never dared ever again to even say the words "lily" and "flower" in the same sentence.

"I never did apologise for that did I? "She asked still laughing softly, "I'm sorry you and Sirius were to big of gits to realise not to mess with a young red head's temper"

"Apology accepted" I said still chuckling.

As the laughter died down we sat in comfortable silence watching the sun go down.

"I meant what I said Lily. I'll protect you forever" I mumbled quietly "if you'll let me", I added.

"What do you mean James?" she asked curiosity and excitement buried in her casual tone.

"Will you marry me Lily?" I said looking at my feet.

I chanced a glance up at her to see she was smiling, silent tears streaming down her face.

"Of course" she mouthed

I leant in and crashed my lips to hers. My right hand was entwined with her left and her right was around my neck, my other hand around her waist. I slipped the ring that I was clutching onto the third finger of her left hand where it would stay until the day she died.

* * *

review pleeeeeeeze!!! :)


	8. our wedding day

The next flash was of our wedding day. The time between the day I proposed and our wedding day was pretty uneventful.

As I stood at the alter watching her float down the isle I appreciated for the first time exactly how beautiful she was. Her dress was fitted all the way down her body with a slit in the leg. Her hair was falling in soft curls around her face.

"I don't want a traditional wedding!" she had said "no poufy dresses, no walking down the isle-"

There I had had to stop her. I had always wanted a traditional wedding. I grew up believing in traditional marriages. We ended up at this compromise: she would walk down the isle but without a poufy dress.

She looked so sexy I couldn't stop myself from thinking of tonight…


	9. just passion

Our wedding night was the best sex we ever had. I say it bluntly because I have no words. We didn't go on a honeymoon because of the danger getting more severe. Instead we spent our first night as a married couple in our first house together in Godric's Hollow, a couple of blocks away from my parent's house. We did all the cliché stuff like me carrying her over the threshold and the rose petals on the bed, much to my amusement and to her disdain.

I carried her as fast as I could up the stairs with her legs around my waist and her dress hitched up around her middle exposing her beautiful legs as she flung her high heels off. We vaguely heard the smash as it hit the ugly vase that Petunia and Vernon gave them for a wedding present.

We fell back onto the bed, still intertwined and ripping at our clothes. No forplay. Just passion.

* * *

i havent updated in a while :( been on school camp!!

please review


	10. night dad

Lily was pregnant. The joy that overrode me in the minute she took to explain nearly crushed me. I had never been so happy. All our past doubts and decisions and mistakes were out the window. All that mattered was the new life that was growing inside of my angel.

I walked into the house to find her standing right behind the door holding her stomach. Her skin was flushed and her eyes were shining and glittering more than they ever had the whole time I'd known her. The only thing that gave away her worry was the crease in her forehead, the wrinkle of her delicate brow.

I didn't know how to greet her. It was a weird aura. It turns out I didn't have to do anything. She ran and jumped on me with such force I fell back against the door. Her legs around my waist and her arms around my neck she kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear: "I'm so happy"

I couldn't turn her face to me with my hand because it was supporting her so I tried to nudge her head, which was resting on my shoulder, with my chin. But she just stayed there. I sighed and walked down the corridor and into the living room and sat down on the lounge with her still in my lap.

"Lily?" I asked softly, teasing. "Do you mind telling me what you are so happy about?"

She looked straight into my eyes and gave me a smile that made her look three years old.

"Guess." she said

I sighed in exasperation. "I have no idea Lils, please tell me?" I tried to make a puppy dog face and she laughed.

It was then that she took my hand in hers and I noticed how small her hand is. She gently tugged on my wrist and rested my hand under hers on her flat stomach. I looked at our hands then I looked into her eyes and her, seeing the look of incomprehension on my face smiled and gestured with her head to our hands.

I tried in my head to add up the clues. Happy…wife…stomach…what the hell is she talking about? Happy, wife, stomach. Happy, wife, stomach. Happy, wife, stomach?..........PREGNANT??

No it couldn't be, we're only 21! But a baby!

I felt warmth spreading through my veins and radiate off of my skin.

"I'm going to be a father?" I asked, a grin breaking across my face as I said the word.

She bit her lip smiling and nodded.

"I'M GOING TO BE A DAD!!!!!" I yelled laughing.

I pulled lily's lips hastily to mine and we shared a quick but passionate kiss. I pushed her down on the couch and laid my head on her stomach.

"Hi baby, I'm your father! I'm going to love you so much and I'm going to teach you Quiditch and how to do awesome pranks and you'll inherit the marauder's map and my invisibility cloak and I'll tell you all the secrets of Hogwarts and SIRIUS CAN BE YOUR GODFATHER and-" I was cut off.

"You know the baby can't hear you" lily giggled.

"I know but I'm getting him/her used to my voice!"

"You know potter if you don't get your fat, overinflated head off me you just might crush him" lily joked

"Hey! I thought you said it deflated at the start of 6th year! And now it's a him?" I asked

"I don't know but it's easier to say him than him/her all the time"

"Touché."

I rolled over so Lily was on top of me and she buried her face into my neck, her hair in my face.

"Let's sleep like this ok?" she murmured into my neck.

"Ok. Night mum"

"Night Dad"

* * *

ReVIEWS GUYS!!!!! i love you!


	11. false alarm

False alarm, false alarm, false alarm!

The third time we made the trip to for a fake contraction or "indigestion" I put my foot down. That's it lily, I told her, I'm not going to that hospital again until I see a head! She snapped at me to shut up and stop being stupid. Pregnancy has brought back her old fiery temper. Sometimes I feel like i'm back in fifth year when we were still having full blown duels in the common room. The only thing that's stopping her now is the fact that she's pregnant.

Whine whine whine is all I hear these days: "James, I'm freezing! Can you get me a blanket?" James you asshole you got the one that's too thick! I'm sweating like a pig!", "potter get me ice-cream!"

"Wait a minute. Potter?" you said the first time she called you by the old name.

"I'm sorry James. I just want this baby out! I'm being horrible aren't I? Please forgive me; you just don't know how hard it is! I want my old body back! Am I always going to look like this? Will I ever get back to normal?" then she sank down on the couch and buried her face in her hand but found when her elbows were on her knees her head couldn't reach because of the obstruction of her ever swelling belly. This made her more upset. I choked back a laugh.

I went over and pulled her into my arms. "Shh…its ok. I'm sure he'll come soon. Just give it time. I love you. Even more now. It even kind of turns me on when you're yelling."

It was the wrong thing to say.

"Turns you on? Me and my fat self? You are disgusting James. Who the hell would want to have sex with this?"

"Lily that's not what I meant. I-"

But I was cut off by the way lily went rigid. There was a wet patch on the couch. Lil's water had finally broken.

"It's happening James!!! Come on, come on!" she shouted, a beautiful smile spreading her face for the first time since the last false alarm.

"Are you sure this time? I mean, are you sure you didn't just wet you're pants?"

"JAMES! I haven't wet my pants since kindergarten!"

"Well I thought you know it could be possible, the baby pushing on your bladder-"

But I was cut off again by the glare I just got.

"Ok", I said calmly, "I'll go get the bag and call Sirius. Meet me in the car in five minutes."

I went to turn around but my arm was caught by lily's hand that was now, freakishly strong, and it spun me around and made my face ram straight into her lips. It was quick but electrifying. I held her in my arms for a few moments after that. I felt the swell of her stomach press into my abdomen. I felt the little baby start to move around, getting ready to enter the big bad world.

* * *

hey sorry it took me awhile. r and r plz!~!!!!! also look up on youtube if you want a laugh, : push up bra to get my man. HIL-AR -I-ASS


End file.
